Dear Daughter, You Don’t Have To Be A Good Girl

Dear daughter, you don’t have to be a good girl. It is not necessary that you be a docile, obedient and sweet girl. Be who you want to be, find your own voice, learn to laugh loudly, look at the stars and know that you can reach them all…

My dear child, don’t let anyone tell you that you look ugly when you get angry. Don’t let anyone limit you and your dreams.

You may find these words self-evident and so logical. But our culture has had a hard time accepting this for a long time. Here we give you an example of an event that occurred not so long ago.

A cinema in Leuven had planned an afternoon screening of ‘Wonder Woman’. It was organized only for women. Girls came in droves to watch.

This cinema chain had also decided to donate a free bag with the words ‘Contains cool things ‘ written on it. It was a smart tactical move. As expected, the cinema room was completely filled. But the contents of the mysterious bag that was supposedly full of ‘cool items’ unfortunately made this event infamous for all the wrong reasons. When the girls opened the package, they found dishcloths, glass cleaner, diet pills and a scouring brush.

These kinds of posts continue to amaze the world. All kinds of comments and thoughtful criticism came from almost all walks of life.

We know this reality all too well. But we also notice that there is another and hidden reality. Moreover, she is not noticeable and is almost not even noticeable. We don’t see it so easily because, without realizing it, it is an expression that is ingrained in our language. Because we speak specifically to girls and to boys. In this way we force them into a cultural measure.

A good girl is a quiet girl

A good girl sits quietly in a corner and watches everything that happens around her. However, she does this in discreet silence. Meanwhile, the good girl escapes in her imagination to her own little personal world, which is spacious and wild. She secretly goes on an adventure.

The adults who pass her praise her for her beautiful hair, her dress and her attentive countenance. ‘She behaves so well’ , they say to the parents without addressing the girl herself. They never ask her what her passions are or what she doesn’t like, or what she likes to read, or what her dreams are.

We don’t even notice it, but from our very first day in this world we are evaluated and given a label. Dishonest language becomes embedded in our brains from the age of nine months.

This may seem very young. But the ‘theory of thought’ provides an explanation for this. It is the period when the child begins to integrate social behaviors. Step by step, the child imitates the behavior of adults. From that age on, it also starts to interpret this behavior.

From a very young age, we force girls to passive behavior, obedience, silence.  We also emphasize the importance of their physical appearance. In doing so, we mold their natural faculties as we wish.

That is why several psychologists, teachers and educators such as Alfonso Montuori urge us to practice a parenting style that is free from prejudice and gender labels. They promote a way of parenting that empowers children’s humanity and innate goodness, as well as the value of their curiosity to learn and of self-knowledge.

Dear son, you don’t have to be ‘strong’

We talked about the “good girl.” Now is the time to think about the many boys who are now adults who have grown up with the predominant emphasis on emotional restraint and self-control. Emotions and sensitivity had to be corrected just like crooked teeth were straightened with braces.

Tears are for girls. So it is better that you withhold them if you were born as a boy. Because you have to be strong. You must be able to handle anything and you must never fail.

Here too, in the world of little boys, there are big problems. Only recently was a study published showing something that everyone, parents and educators alike, should consider: The male child’s brain is much more sensitive and less resistant to stress than girls’ brains.

Therefore, the boy needs an upbringing with a lot of emotional support, safety and protection.

Think about how you treat your children

All this information should make us think a little more about those sometimes implicit little gestures that ‘slip’ us in our daily dealings with small children.

Things like ” You must be a good girl”  or ” Guys don’t cry”  have far-reaching consequences.

Coincidentally, there are now many experts in personal growth. They train women to become leaders in various areas of social, political and economic life.

These coaches have found that women who aspire to a high position in politics or in business initially see themselves as ‘selfish’ persons.

By breaking this thinking pattern, they show the women that fighting for what you want is not selfishness but rather a right… Undoubtedly this is the hardest part in the training.

Because being ‘good’ doesn’t mean you have to be good or conservative.  However, being “good” means being brave and making an effort to get what you want, whether you are a woman or a man.