Emotional Blackmail And How It Harms Your Children

Unfortunately, emotional blackmail is a strategy many parents use when raising their children. They use guilt, fear, intimidation, threats, and often patience and affection to get their children to do what they want.

The case is that many parents are not aware of the consequences this can have for their children. They don’t realize how their questionable methods can affect the relationship they have with them.

Using emotional blackmail on children is a very seductive form of manipulation to influence their behavior. Blackmail is also something that children can learn through the “example” of their parents. It is not a method that we usually consciously choose. However, seeing how effective it is, we often decide to keep using it.

There are thousands of articles online devoted to emotional blackmail within families. This can be parents who use it on their children, but also children who use it on their parents. For example, they use tantrums and threats to get what they want.

The reality is that this is something kids learn at home. For example, when parents say things like, “If you don’t get good grades, we won’t love you anymore,” “If you’re naughty, Santa won’t give you presents,” or “If you don’t clean your room, we’ll no more toys.”

Why do we use blackmail?

We use blackmail because it can give us control if we don’t know how to get it any other way, or hoping to get children to obey without protesting.

Control does not equal education. Telling our kids what to do, how to do it, and threatening them if they don’t do it right away reduces their decision-making power.

Using emotional blackmail on children can be the worst remedy for our insecurity as parents. It is also one of the worst ways to protect ourselves from our child’s questions.

It can also show that we don’t have much patience to respect their time doing things, and/or little tolerance to accept that they can do things their way, in a way that is different from ours.

Applying emotional blackmail to our children may help us not to get so tired. It can also make decision making easier for our children, all to get them to do whatever we want.

But what are the long-term consequences? As we have already noted, this strategy can get really dangerous in the long run.

What fuels emotional blackmail in our children?

Emotional blackmail on children is a form of manipulation that leaves them no choice. They will obey us… probably. But at some point, this strategy will no longer be effective.

They’re likely to use this strategy against us too if we’re the ones showing them how to do it. As with all forms of blackmail, it is a strategy that almost never produces any positive feelings.

In addition , this can cause resentment that they may not be able to explain  but will grow with time. Children are usually much more likely to identify when people are trying to manipulate them than we think. And nobody likes to be manipulated, right?

Therefore, they will often view the people who try to blackmail them as a threat. They don’t want to be with them because it doesn’t make them feel good.

Often people use emotional blackmail on children to get signs of affection. However, ironically this is an approach that diminishes love, if there really is love in that relationship.

In addition, as we have said before, they learn to use the blackmail to their advantage. Their way of seeing blackmail is that it’s a perfectly valid strategy because their loved ones use it too. Unfortunately, if this continues, it will be very difficult for them to maintain relationships that are not superficial or symbolic.

“Love comes when the manipulation stops. It comes when you think more about the other person than about his reactions to yourself and dare to fully reveal yourself. It comes when you dare to be vulnerable. “

-Joyce Brothers-

Why blackmail doesn’t work

Most of the time, blackmail doesn’t work because it uses threats that aren’t followed up in the short or long term. No parent will stop loving their child just because he doesn’t tidy his room, for example.

Psychologists have proven (and tried to pass this on to parents with varying degrees of success) that these kinds of threats don’t last very long and have a very sad result.

With this type of blackmail, the child can never learn the real reason why he needs to keep his room clean. He will never learn that by having a tidy room he can find things in it. He’ll never learn why it’s important to brush his teeth, even if he sometimes doesn’t feel like it (until, of course, it’s too late and he needs an urgent visit to the dentist).

The most likely outcome is that when the blackmail stops, or ceases to have any effect, the good habits or behaviors we wanted them to acquire also disappear.

Blackmail doesn’t teach our kids to solve problems or do things because it’s best for them, and ultimately is what they want. It only ‘changes’ the child’s behavior for that moment or purpose, but there is no real change or lasting motivation.

If we use emotional blackmail and don’t carry out the threat if the child doesn’t obey, we lose credibility.

What alternatives are there to emotional blackmail?

If we want our children to do something, especially if they are very young, it is best to help or accompany them. This instead of, for example, giving orders from the couch. For older children, the best example is the best tool you can use as a parent. If we want them to do what we want then we have to give them something positive by showing it off.

Our children are not robots. Only robots or machines respond and do things the first time we ask them. For this reason, we have to repeat things several times to get kids to do things.

We must also make sure that their procrastination is not sheer laziness or a conscious act to make us angry. Children work at a different speed and in most cases they learn.

Discuss the importance of things with the child.

It is also important to discuss things with your children. Offer options and listen to what they have to say. If we want them to do something, we must first ask ourselves whether it is because of their needs or because of ours.

If it is because of our needs, we should provide alternatives, times, and most importantly explanations as to why we want them to act or not act a certain way. If it has anything to do with them, their well-being and their future, the most effective approach is to explain the benefits of doing those things.

When we stop using blackmail in raising our children, they are more likely to end up choosing certain ways to behave themselves. Ways that really benefit them and those around them. If we show them their intelligence, they can have the chance to be intelligent.

Maybe we should work a little harder, discuss things, and be there for them a little more. The flip side of this is that they will grow up to be more autonomous. They will gain a better self-image, and they will learn the value of effort and work. That’s definitely worth it, right?