When ‘I Should’ Controls Our Lives

Let it all go – all of the ‘I should, I could’ psychological tyranny. It confuses us and gets in the way of our happiness.

These thoughts come up in those automatic conversations we have with ourselves, where we say we should always be one step ahead in life. We undermine our self-esteem to prioritize the ‘I should’ over the ‘I want’.

You may find this idea quite surprising. In our daily lives we are overwhelmed by an endless stream of obligations and responsibilities. Humans are social beings.

It is therefore their ultimate task to be part of that perfect, well-oiled machine. And falling out of rhythm or not being able to complete a task inevitably has consequences.

We all know this all too well. However, we already experience enough pressure from outside. There is no point in putting even more pressure on ourselves by thinking about anything and everything in our heads.

Sometimes we become completely obsessed with thoughts like ‘I have to try harder to prove how much I’m worth’. Or maybe, “I should have said this, not that.” Or: ‘I should have behaved differently’. However, these thoughts will only make you feel discouraged, frustrated and isolated.

‘I could or should do such and such’ – common psychological tyranny

There are so many different types of obligations. The obligations that gnaw at us and get in the way of our personality are the obligations we are most obsessive about.

I should visit my parent more often, I should go on a diet, I should try to get promoted at work, I should be more attractive, I should have better social skills, I need this or something to to be happy…

These thoughts turn our desires or preferences into all-or-nothing obligations and impositions. Before we fall into this ‘I could or should do such and such’ trap, it would be smart to keep a few things in mind:

• First of all, you have to remember that with these kinds of thoughts you are just creating a fantasy about how you think things should be. ‘I have to show that I am valuable because I need external validation and recognition’. ‘I must have a nice mobile phone, because that’s how things work these days’.

• Secondly , you should also not forget that you are blindly staring at the things you have not yet achieved. As a result, you no longer have an eye for other options or realities that may be more satisfying. Why should we subject ourselves to the expectation of being thinner or having the perfect body instead of accepting ourselves as we are?
• Third, remember that these kinds of behaviors and thoughts completely drain your energy. Sometimes we even tend to get mad at ourselves for all the things we should or could have done. However, this is a very sad form of self-sabotage.

How to overcome your ‘I should or could do such and such’ obsession and feel freer

Thoughts like ‘I should’ and ‘I should’ take up a lot of mental space. An article in Psychology Today magazine even showed that these thoughts are built into our neural circuits. They are programmed into the deepest and more primitive parts of our brains, such as the amygdala and the corpus striatum.

We have internalized some of these rules since childhood. We are always willing to ‘do anything’ or ‘play any role’ that society imposes on us. However, these rules can get in the way of our happiness and rob us of our freedom.

Albert Ellis once said that these mental tyrannies are irrational thoughts. They are ways of destroying ourselves and wasting time and effort on meaningless and useless things. Things that we sometimes have no control over at all.

Here are some strategies for eliminating the “I should,” “I could,” or “I hear” from your life.

‘I should’ – how to work on self-imposed tasks:

• Think more about the responsibilities that are so deeply ingrained in your mind that you don’t even recognize them anymore. Sometimes our sense of duty is so automatic that we are not even aware of it. We may also forget that it was others (family, society, etc.) who imposed these obligations on us.

• Confront Them : “I should thank others more, I should try harder to be like everyone else.” Do you really have to be like others to be happy?
• Watch out for any absolutist ‘all or nothing’ thoughts : ‘I should get this promotion or I’m screwed’. Would it really be the end of the world if you didn’t get that promotion?
• Record each thought and start filtering through it : a good way to become aware of your mental focus and thoughts is to write them down. Keep a journal and write down everything that goes on in your head, what your heart whispers to you, what worries you. Read everything again two weeks later and then write down how you feel about it at that moment. Perhaps this will help you control certain processes in your mind.

So we have to accept that we have all been (mis)led by these kinds of thoughts. While you don’t have to eliminate them completely, you should make them less prominent. It’s all about achieving the right balance between ‘I should’ and ‘I want’.